Hens the Name

So after a nice vacay with BOTH sides of the fam, the clan flies home into Newark after midnight. Upon arrival, the truth hurts. No milk. No eggs. No bread. How will we feed the children? How WILL we feed them? How??

So the Q puts his jacket back on and heads to Flatbush Farm (nee Suzie Farm) on the Flabenue near Woodruff. As always it's bright, stocked and friendly. It's my favorite place to shop, pretty much anywhere. The day-working woman my girls know as "Suzie" gives them $5 on their birthdays, I shit you not.

For milk? Organic Valley, probably because I read something years ago about how it's fairer to farmers, Whether that's true now, or was ever, I know not. Milk...check.

For bread? A loaf of local, from somewhere called "Steph's Cake Shop" in Rockaway. Why? Well, it's shaped like actual baked bread...with the tiny bits on the end that get wider towards the center. Steph is probably a woman, and I like women. And not too many ingredients. Real sugar. So bread...check.

Ah but now the hard part. The eggs. Mrs. Flatbed is a fan of hens living their lives in relatively natural surroundings, better to lay eggs in, and better on my conscience. And though I have no idea WHAT-SO-EVER what a hen really likes (social life? down time? the occasional shvitz?) I go with the packaging that makes me feel like I've made a moral consumer choice. The Sauder's. Because...well...let's take a look shall we?

Now don't those chickens look happy? And that word "Amish." Nothing Amish could be bad, right? And the silhouette of a buggy and horse? Surely these must be the HAPPIEST CHICKENS EVER, right?

Here's the thing though. The farms themselves aren't Amish. Rather, it says "Direct From Amish Country" in PA and OH. So these chickens were perhaps a buggy ride away from the Amish, but not necessarily pious themselves.

It gets better.

You see, these organic medium eggs come LITERALLY from "Hens Who Enjoy the Outdoors!" I won't quibble with the fact that some hens may NOT enjoy the outdoors and merely feel forced to head outside by coercion and peer pressure. But the statement implies that the hens spend a great deal of time basking in the Amish sun, does it not? But it doesn't actually say that. It could, in fact, mean that the hens enjoy the outdoors but NEVER GET TO GO. Language, as they say, is important.

Let's resolve this difficult quandary once and for all. Did you know that there's an incredible website that does the fact-checking for you? Go to Cornucopia.org. And here-on you will find all manner of facts regarding the relative decency of organic farmers all over the country. Here's the eggs page.

How does Sauder's do on the survey? Miserably. As is so often the case, the packaging is a lie, a fabrication, a sham, a bait and switch. Remember when 45 said he'd replace Obamacare with something WAY better? It's true folks. Fully 40% of your countrymen are complete and utter assholes. You probably already suspected it. But now, it's official.

And the eggs? They taste only o.k.